Unless you are new here, you know I had a birthday a couple of weeks ago and I’m 43. OMG!!
Quarantine Birthday Look! Dress from Eloquii
Aging is a gift and a curse for me. I’m so thankful that I’m still here, pretty healthy and I don’t look to bad if I say so myself, but as I get older my dreams of a family looks less and less like it will come true and that’s hard.
I get that I can get married at any age. Granted, I do not want to be 75 getting married for the first time, but I know it can happen but being a mom is different. Statistically speaking, having a child in your 40s is tough. I know it’s possible but tough. I also know adoption is an option, but I would like to be married. Are they really going let a 75-year-old woman adopt a baby? I doubt it.
So getting older puts that right in my face and I did not take it well. The Saturday after my birthday, I was watching Council of Dads and I started to cry. If you have watched the show, you know it is sad. Now I’m a crier if you know me, it’s not a secret, but this cry was different. I couldn’t stop crying. I mean snot running it was bad. I kept trying to get myself together, and I couldn’t. It was like I was crying for all the pain that I had tried to ignore.
have worked really hard to find my happiness and try to not dwell on what I don’t have and only look at what I do have and I think prior to the pandemic I was doing pretty good. I kept myself busy so I didn’t have time to think about it, but being home alone, not being able to go out, hang with friends, etc. I have a lot of time and everything I was trying to ignore was right there.
I’m also on social media a LOT more, and I swear everybody is booed up, married and pregnant and all I can think is when will it happen for me? I think all of that hit me the Saturday after my birthday and I just let it out. I’m sure I cried for about an hour, but I felt better after.
What I realized is I need to stop pretending like it doesn’t hurt. I stopped writing about it as much on the blog because I felt like I was the woe is me queen, but I think ignoring it is not doing me any good so I have to figure out how to feel it but not get to a sad place and I’m not quite sure how to do it.
Maybe the answer is having a good cry now and then and not being ashamed. Understanding that my feelings are valid. People who have what you want to have, have a tendency to try to tell you; you don’t want it. Sn: if you are one of those people STOP IT! We don’t need to hear it. I don’t think marriage, and having a kid will be like TV, but I want it and I deserve it.
This ish is hard, real hard and this pandemic, quarantine makes it harder. For someone like me who never saw this as my future it’s almost unbelievable. If you told me years ago that I would be 43, single and no kids I would have laughed so hard in your face and probably made an insane bet.
I know God has a plan for all of our lives, and I try not to question Him, but I can’t help but wonder when my time is coming. Soon I hope. Lastly, really check on your single friends during this time. We are not okay even if we say we are. We may need just a little more love.
Also, I’m okay, I promise. I shared for two reasons. One writing is therapeutic for me and two I know I’m not alone. This blog started based off me being single, and it has grown, but the purpose is still the same these are the realities of my fairy tale.
Look from Dia & Co
Thanks for reading!
Signed,
CC